It was an afternoon in mid September. In the polluted little city of Jinan, Mr. Zhang Ying Chao, the house painter, was cycling home from work. He was carrying his buckets his ladders, his boards and his paint cans so that he had rather a hard time moving along. His grey suit was spattered here and there with lead paint, carbon tetrachloride residue, asbestos fibres, methylene chloride, n-methylpyrrolidone, acetone, toluene, and a sprinkling of methanol that had soaked into his right sock earlier. There was residue of dimethyl succinate ester in his eyebrow and wispy facial hair, for he was rather an untidy man.
Children perched precariosly on the back of exhaust belching mopeds stared at him as he waited for the light to go green. Seeing that there was a milisecond gap in traffic Mr. Zhang Ying Chao ignored the red light and cycled into the road. A housewife seeing him said to her friend,“Oh dear, there goes Mr. Zhang Ying Chao, that farmer painted my house last year and I still get dizzy from the fumes. Indeed his skull is full of water*”
Indeed Mr. Zhang Ying Chao's head was not full of water. No one knew what went on inside of Mr. Zhang Ying Chao's head and no one guessed that he would one day be the most famous person in Jinan...
(to be continued)
* Telling someone in Mandarin you think there head is full of water is considered extremely derogatory [Nide naozi jing shui le]
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 08, 2009 - 10:24 AM
Mr. Zhang Ying Chao’s ladder clipped a passing audi, sending Mr. Zhang Ying Chao spinning like a helicopter. The audi screeched to a halt. The people stared. Mr Zhang Ying Chao ignored the balding fat man in a white short sleeved shirt and navy blue slacks who had jumped out of the audi. Mr. Zhang Ying Chao began to pick up his now empty paint cans. A crowd of gawkers gathered to see what the crowd of original gawkers were gawking at. Audi man waved his man bag at Mr Zhang Ying Chao and told him that he should have intimate relations with his mother and then his grandmother. Numerous derogotory words were spat at Mr. Zhang Ying Chao, mostly involving the word for the female genitalia that rhymes with “hunt”. Adjectives such as "smelly", "stupid" and "useless" were added in front of the word. Mr Zhang Ying Chao shrugged it off, it was not the first time something like this had happened. After all, by two in the afternoon Mr Zhang Ying Chao was usually stoned from a cocktail of carbon tetrachloride, methylene chloride, n-methylpyrrolidone, acetone, toluene, and methanol.
Mr. Zhang Ying Chao smiled a toothy grin showing off his complete and dedicated disregard for oral hygiene, when suddenly another audi smashed into the first audi. The gawkers gasped. Everyone turned to the new source of free entertainment as Mr. Zhang Ying Chao picked up his tools of the trade and cycled off.
He was a dreamer. Even when he was busiest scraping lead paint off a wall or painting the inside of other people’s houses he would forget what he was doing. Once he had painted 3 sides of a bedroom avocado green and the other wall communist red. The housewife instead of being angry and making him do it over, had liked it so well that she had made him leave it that way, thinking he was some sort of house designer. And all the other housewives, when they heard wanted Mr. Zhang Ying Chao to design their bedrooms. Mr Zhang had no idea what he was doing but would use what ever random paint was cheapest and paint 3 walls one color and the other some other random color. "It's called design", he would say, and who was to tell him otherwise. Pretty soon everybody in Jinan had two colored bedrooms.
The reason Mr Zhang Ying Chao was so forgetful and absent minded did not just lay with the brain damaging chemicals he used with abandon, but with the fact that he had never been out of Jinan. Not that he was unhappy. He had a little apartment of his own, a wife whom he liked but not loved and two children Xiuxiu and Qingqing. One registered and one the goverenment knew nothing about. Still it would be nice, he often thought, if he could have seen something of the world before his parents arranged his marriage, at exactly 28 years old.
He had never hunted tigers in deepest India or climbed the peaks of the Himalayas, or dived for pearls in the South Seas. Above all he had never…
To be continued
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 09, 2009 - 08:38 AM
Above all he had never seen a Capybara. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capybara
That was what he regretted most of all. He had never seen Panama, Costa Rica, Colombia, Ecuador, Bolivia, Venezuela, Brazil, Argentina, Guyana, Suriname, French Guyana, Uruguay, Peru, or Paraguay.
He regretted he had not been a scientist, instead of a house painter in China, so that he might have joined some of the great South American expedition's. Since he was mildly retarded from paint fumes, he was always thinking of these Capybara.
Whenever he heard that a movie might have footage of South America in it, he was the first person to skip the queue and get a ticket, and often he sat through 4 showings. Ah yes, the Capybara.
All men have a weakness that waits to arise - be it drugs, wild women, gambling or fast cars. Zhang Ying Chao’s was the Capybara.
Whenever the Jinan Library had a new book about the Capybara, South America, Panama, Costa Rica, Colombia, Ecuador, Bolivia, Venezuela, Brazil, Argentina, Guyana, Suriname, French Guyana, Uruguay, Peru, or Paraguay, Mr. Zhang Ying Chao was first to borrow it. Indeed he had read so much about the Capybara and South America and South American explorers that he could name them all and tell you what each had done. He was quite an authority on the subject and truly regretted having no interest in school. He so wanted to go on an expedition to study strange new species and bring them back to China so we could learn all about how to eat them. Especially the Capybarra, Mr. Zhang Ying Chao salivated at that thought. Yes, the Capybara just looked so juicy and kind of sexy. He knew it tasted like pork. “Mmmmm delicious”, and one day he would raise Capybara’s in a Capybara farm. He would build a shed out the back and paint it 3 colors to keep his pets happy. Forget planning permission or building supplies he’ll build it out of whatever he can find on the street.
Indeed, He'd already collected a car tyre, a broken window, three sheets of rusted corrugated iron and seven and a half crumbly red bricks for his shed. Indeed, He had not planned ahead but that was not his fault. It was the fault of his upbring for if his parents had planned ahead he would not have been born. "Alas", he thought, "Capybaras live in South America and South America is not near Jinan, Hmmm the nearest breeding pair is in the Beijing Zoo. Yes, the Beijing Zoo, where throwing plastic water bottles at animals to see them move is a tradition.
So now, the yet to be, most famous man in Jinan, made his way through the streets clipping peoples heads with his ladder. He was happy in a foggy stoned Capybara fantasy sort of way. Not just because of the Capybara but because this was his last day of work until Spring. September get’s as cold as a Capybara’s caboose and no one thinks of decorating between September and April. Mr. Zhang Ying Chao was now unemployed and loving it.
“Hello old wife”, he said, setting down his empty paint cans, buckets, ladders and boards, “the decorating season is over”. “There is no more work until spring."
Mr.s Zhang Ying sighed. “Where's the paint that was in those cans?” “Did you spill paint again - have you been in another accident?” “ Heavens, what are we going to eat for the next seven months?”
“ Ba ba, shall we be eating beans and Tofu every day again?” asked Xiuxiu and Qingqing. “It bloody looks like it”, said Mrs. Zhang Ying Chao.
To be continued...
Next up. Chapter 2 – the internet and its corrupting foreign influence
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 10, 2009 - 08:30 AM
That evening,when the little Zhang Ying Chao's had been put to bed Mr. and Mrs. Zhang settled sown for a long evening of ignoring each other. The television blaring, Mrs. Zhang fell into a zombie like trance watching minorities sing and dance about how they loved China. Mrs. Zhang was of the mistaken belief that all minorities were of the singing and dancing persuasion.
The small cramped apartment was just like many other apartments in Jinan. It had a huge mirror on the wall to make it look bigger and everything else was tile. Mr. Zhang Ying Chao hated tile, he liked paint or wallpaper. So he had wallpapered the entire apartment in newspaper and old National Geographic magazines. Everywhere you turned your eyes, you could see an article or photo of the Capybara . So, so many
Mr, Zhang Ying Chao looked for his cigarettes. He knew better than to ask his wife as she would only have another temper spasm. Years of painting had destroyed Mr. Zhang Ying Chaos short term memory. Finding his cigarettes, he sat down at the rickety kitchen chair and table that proudly displayed his grease stained Lenovo computer. There was no electrical outlets in the kitchen nor high speed internet connections, so Mr Zhang Ying Chao had to wire it up himself. Cables of all sort were taped to the wall and the floor. Because of this he could'nt close the kitchen door completely, so he could still see a sliver of his wifes grey face lit up by the TV. He hated the sight of it and was thinking of drilling a hole in the door for the cables. “Perhaps I'll drill a hole in her head also”, he chuckled. He had a sudden pang of guilt for such a terrible thought, after all his wife had allowed him to buy this computer so he could connect with the world.
Three years go, Mr. Zhang Ying Chao had bought this computer and began his great scheme - to acquire a breeding pair of Capybara.
He had faked an undergraduate degree in biology and psychology and then a masters degree in animal behavior. He had worked patiently on building a zoo that existed only in cyberspace. He had printed letterheads and business cards and wrote to every zoo in the world.
He was anxious beyond anything he had ever experienced, for tomorrow he would borrow an electric tricycle from his brother in law, drive to Jinan Airport, and pick up a large wooden crate from Venezuela. And reader, we know what that wooden crate contains. Yes, two bewildered Capybara. You see Mr. Zhang Ying Chao had convinced a small private Zoo (Maracay’s Zoo http://www.venezuelatuya.com/centro/zoologicoeng.htm ) that if they gave him a breeding pair of Capybara, he would give them a Panda !
Mr. Maracay will be waiting a long time for his panda.
Yes, It had taken three long years of the finest fraudulent finesse to obtain his life's ambition.
Mr Zhang Ying Chao had diarrhea and an acute case of nervous flatulence due to (as you can imagine) the situation at hand.
to be continued…
Last edited by shanghied on Sep 10, 2009 - 11:24 PM; edited 1 time in total
with this lust for capybara flesh, are you sure Mr. Zhang is not Cantonese? After all, even most Chinese people agree that the Cantonese will eat anything with legs!
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 10, 2009 - 11:29 PM
Ask people from the south what people from the north like to eat and you'll get the same answer. hehehe
Not 10 minutes from the Sofeitel hotel you can see advertisements for dog meat on a food court window. Anytime I've walked by, it's busy. You can eat in, or take out and they deliver.
I've eaten it.
It tastes like......... Well,,,, it tastes like..... DOG.
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 11, 2009 - 07:30 AM
What with the excitement of having the two live capybaras delivered, the nervousness of driving his brother in law's motortrike and the fact that he may have to bribe airport officials, Mr Zhang Ying Chao did not sleep very well that night. When morning came he was unable to eat his "youtiao and soy milk"
The problem with bribing an official is you need money and Mr. Zhang Ying Chao had none. Of course he had made Maracay's Zoo pay for all the import fees and paperwork but he knew someone would raise an eyebrow and bribes would be the order of the day. His lust for capybara has driven him to the "black society", where he had over the course of 3 years acquired 50,000 rmb in counterfeit bills. Mr. Zhang Ying Chao's logic was, "if I'm paying a bribe why should it have to be real money - it's not like the guy can go to the police", and say "Hey, My latest bribes where paid in fake money, arrest that man".
Mr. Zhang Ying Chao, although stupid was an honest man (by Chinese standards).
For, indeed a corrupt official could go to the police and complain about recieving his bribe in fake money. After all Jinan is the city where the mayor left a bomb crater where his mistress and her car used to be.
And so it was that Mr. Zhang Ying Chao set off on the hour ride to Jinan airport causing mayhem with his erratic driving and random road swerving.
To say Mr. Zhang Ying Chao was heading for trouble, would be an understatement....
Last edited by shanghied on Sep 12, 2009 - 02:23 PM; edited 3 times in total
Joined: Feb 04, 2006
Posts: 275
Location: Jinan
Status: Offline
Posted:
Sep 12, 2009 - 08:44 AM
I still have pictures of that bombing if anybody is interested, his mistress was on the radio, and the dashboard, the windshield and the pavement 10 meters away, well parts of her anyway.
_________________ Smells like wet dog!
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 12, 2009 - 11:20 PM
To continue this story we must move back in time. To a time when Mr. Zhang Ying Chao's wife did not have an eyelid wart the size of a peanut out of which long white hairs grew. Back, back we go, to before she had huge grooves in her front teeth from years of sunflower seed addiction. Yes we arrive to a simpler time when Mrs. Zhang's breasts did not touch her belly.
September 14th, 1989 to be exact. Yes, this faithful day, twenty years ago has a small part to play in the terrible and bizarre events yet to unfold. So let us begin...
Miss Li Xiao Tong had gotten up early that day, as her mother said she must, to look pretty. She carefully applied her makeup and began to pencil in her eyebrows - as the only hair that now belonged to Miss Li Xiao Tong was on her head. The night before, she had spent 45 minutes washing and shaving every inch of her tight 20 year old body - In the misguided belief that her extra tight "qipao" would fit her better if shaven. And believe me that green floral patterned silk qipao stuck out and in , in all the right places. It made Miss Li Xiao Tong look like a perfect 10 and she new it. Indeed sadly for Miss Li Xiao Tong, two kids and 20 years would not be kind to this body in its prime in the fall of 89. And so off she went to "Baotu Springs" to get her photos taken to advertise her goods for marriage.
On that fateful day due to the tightness of the dress, her shaved pussy, the cold weather, and straining her bladder so as not to annoy her mother, that roll of 32 negatives could have given the world photos of a sensuality , of a beauty that indeed could have been the envy of Marilyn Monroe.
Yep, I said could have. No one got to see them, well not many. The then single Zhang Ying Chao agreed to marry her on those photos alone. Li Xiao tong's photos had a look of sexual vibrancy and a pout that said "I'm ready",and because of this her husband to be, hid those photos. And kept them hidden. Hidden until a humid Wednesday in the summer of 07 when he, through his meanderings, came across the murky world of internet dating. There he discovered a Chinese student at the University of California Veterinary Medical Center who was looking for a loving Shandong girl for marriage. And so it was that those sensual, soulful and even mildly erotic photos flew to Mr. Dong Wen Liang via the internet and a love affair began. Through a great many hours of QQing, Mr. Dong Wen Liang had truly fallen in love with Miss Li Xiao Tong.
Now Reader you must know that Mr. Zhang Ying Chao truly loved Mr. Dong Wen Liang and sometimes wished he was the girl in the photos, not because he wanted to be a girl or was a closet homosexual, but in fact because he truly loved Mr. Dong Wen Liang and the American chococlate that had added to his dental decay. Why? Because Mr. Dong Wen Liang was the first person to really listen to Mr. Zhang Ying Chao's heart and day by day Mr. Zhang Ying Chao’s heart opened more. They laughed and cryed and shared their most intimate thoughts through QQ. Mr. Dong Wen Liang sympathized with his hatred of all things Japanese and they both spent many an hour pouring their hearts about how much they both loved China. Mr. Dong Wen Liang intoduced Mr. Zhang Ying Chao to World Of Warcraft and their love for each other grew.
If they were not both hetrosexuals it would be a happy ending.
You see Reader, if you open your heart it can also be broken and seven weeks ago in front of a greasy Lenovo two hearts were broken. It had destroyed Mr. Zhang Ying Chao to use his soulmate in this cruel way, but Mr. Zhang Ying Chao knew that capybaras where his first love. So the deed must be done. And so it was.
Mr. Dong Wen Liang, intern at the San Diego Zoo, was sitting in his office when he heard the familiar knock, Knock ,knock of his QQ account.
He swifty clicked open his account to read the following...
Dearest, most dearest Wenwen,
You ask how deep I love you,
and just how big my love is.
My affection is real,
and my love is true.
The moon represents my heart.
My affection does not waver
and my love has not changed.
So light was the kiss
that has moved my heart.
Such a deep affection makes me long for you now.
You ask how deeply I love you,
and just how great my love is.
Consider this, and look above.
The moon represents my heart.
Mr. Dong had gone outside and looked up at the moon and even though it was daylight and smoggy he new the moon represented her heart. He sobbed tears of Joy with a capital J. Soon they would be married.
Complying without question the balding Mr. Dong stole 500ml of pig sedative and 2 needles, shipped it off by express mail and promptly never heard again from the beautiful Li Xiao Tong aka Mr. Zhang Ying Chao.
To be continued….Chapter 3 – The airport
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 13, 2009 - 11:08 AM
I feel I have to mention that Li Xiao Tong, aka Mr. Zhang Ying Chao was not a writer of beautiful words he had merely copied his words from the popular song "The moon represents my heart". The one and only song he could sing.
[side note]On his greasy Lenovo, unknown to all, he had cut photos of his wedding and spliced it with pretty pictures. He used this song for the background music and posted it on Youku under another bogus name.
Smiling gleefully and driving like a maniac. The throttle on his brother-in-law's three wheeled motorbike pulled back as far as it could go - Mr Zhang Ying Chao went over the plan. He had a vague uneasy feeling that there was some areas of the plan that were, well vague, but what work they needed was lost to Mr. Zhang.
He was pretty sure he hadn't missed anything. Heck, the clever Mr zhang Ying Chao even had a plan B.
1. Show my receipt and pick up the capybaras at the delivery holding bay, building 2, east wing.
2. Open the large crate, sedate the capybaras and shave off all their hair using the hair clippers, so that they resesmble pigs.
3. Put the sedated capybaras under a blanket and place them in the back of the tricycle.
4. If stopped by the police say they are two dead pigs he is going to sell at market.
5. Dismantle the crate, also place it in the back of the tricycle and drive home.
6. When home. rebuild the crate so that the capybaras can live in it.
Plan B.
1. If anyone asks questions give them a thousand renminbi.
2. If they ask more questions give them more fake renminbi.
3. If you run out of money inject the official with pig sedative, steal your capybara and take back your renminbi.
Mr. Sun Hao Chen, director of logistics for Jinan Airport, sat behind his desk fondling the paperwork in front of him. He had went down to building 2, twice now, to view two of the biggest fcuking mice he had ever seen or even imagined existed in all his life making strange "Eeeep" noises, in his storage bay. "How could this not be pay day?" Ha, ha.
Plus the owner of the Zoo is going to pick them up at 11am? What Zoo? There is no Zoo in the middle of the Huaiying district. This was his affair, and the less people involved the more renminbi for him.
He made a call to security at the east wing gate. "I'm expecting a Mr. Zhang Ying Chao soon, please send him to my office, when he arrives".
Twelve minutes later, Mr. Zhang Ying Chao pulled up at the east wing gate. He showed his receipt and was directed to Mr. Sun Hao Chen's office. Knowing that something had gone pear shaped Mr. Zhang Ying Chao asked for directions to the nearest toilet and filled a syringe with pig sedative. He would stick it in the neck of the next person that questioned him...
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 14, 2009 - 11:51 AM
巴拿马水豚
Let em break it down - the first three characters are 巴 拿 马 (ba na ma), which when butted together means Panama and the other two are 水 豚 (shui tun) meaning water dolphin.
巴拿马水豚 Panama water dolphin.
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 15, 2009 - 08:52 AM
Mr. Zhang Ying Chao squatted in the cubicle of number two building staring at the liquid in his hypodermic needle. Mr. Zhang did not know he was holding a sedative that was more commonly used on elephants. That's right elephants. Currently he had enough elephant immobilizer in this syringe to knock out a herd, should he wish to.
Meanwhile Mr.Sun Hao Chen, director of logistics for Jinan Airport had just received a call, letting him know Mr. Zhang had arrived and was on his way.
Mr. Sun Hao Chen went to his cabinet and looked with pride on his baijiu collection. "Hmm", he thought, what shall we use? He looked at his bottle of Wuliangye (五粮液) (US$3,375) a gift from the owner of a Chemical factory that needed a favor. His fingers skipped across each bottle as if he was touching fine art. Maotai jiu, gaoliang jiu, erguotou, Luzhou , "yes",he thought, "we'll go with erguotou, not to expensive and not too cheap".
He knew the drill, the speech about, "you need a stamp and I can give you the stamp". "Let's-begin-a-relationship-and-we-are-friends. You-help-me-and-I-help-you-sort-of-thing. He'd gotten the speech down to less than five minutes and was extremely proud of it. He poured out two shot glasses of ergoutou and thought about the near future.
Mr. Sun Hao Chen was being investigated by the Beijing bureau of internal affairs for his rampant acceptance of bribes. This had worried Mr. Sun up until 2 days ago when he became aware of a faked Zoo, Mr. Zhang Ying Chao, and the shipment of two giant rats from Venezuela. He estimated a bribe of 50,000 renminbi would be sufficient to bribe the Miss Yan Xu of the Beijing Bureau of Internal affairs. 50,000 renminbi of which he expected from Mr. Zhang in return for his red stamp.
Worker Wang knocked on the door. "Come in", grunted Me Sun. "There's a Mr. Zhang to see you sir", said worker Wang,
Mr Zhang Ying Chao stood sheepishly at the door. "Come, come", said Mr Sun", beaming from ear to ear. "Have a drink. come sit". "Yes, close the door".
Mr Zhang Ying Chao closed the door. "So", said Mr Sun looking up at Mr. Zhang (for Mr. Sun was not a tall man). "You need a stamp for those two big mice monsters you got from Venezuela, gesturing at the stamp and ink pad on the table. "How's business at the Zoo? - My daughter loves the Zoo".
Mr. Zhang's eyes widened. "Ta ma de", thought Mr. Zhang and shook hands with Mr. Sun. Promptly sticking the hypodermic in Mr. Sun's neck and squeezing the plunger.
Nothing happened. Mr Sun stared at the half empty needle. "What the fcuk?" "What did you just do, you stupid peasant hunt?"
Mr Zhang Ying Chao looked down at the syringe and wondered if the drug was fake. "Calm down", he said.
"Calm the fcuk down calm the fcuk down , is that aids are you an Uighur?" "Help, Hemmmmmmf! Mr Zhang had grabbed Mr Sun by the back of the head and placed his other hand over Mr. Sun's mouth. As you would expect Mr Sun did not like this, and for a small man bordering on migetdom , had a mighty kick. He kicked the legs out from Mr. Zhang and they began rolling and thrashing on the floor.
Now Reader, let me stop the story here and explain that the elephant immobilizer was indeed not fake, but usually takes about ten minutes to have an effect.
In the meantime, outside, Worker Wang and his 8 coworkers could hear thrashing and muffled shouts and the odd scream of "motherfcuker", eminating from Mr Sun's office. This was not unusual to worker Wang and his eight coworkers as this was far from the first time Mr. Sun negotiated bribes in his office. They continued their work and ten minutes later things went calm.
Mr. Zhang Ying Chao looked at the body of Mr. Sun hao Chen. He straightened back his greasy hair and looked around the office. "Fcuk", he thought. "I'm done for". "There's nine people out their and they must have heard that" He sat down beside the body and weeped loudly.
Worker Wang heard the sobbing and knew that everything was going normally - it usually went like this. They'd now get drunk on baijiu and stumble out of the office in another two hours or so, and want to go sing with the good time girls at KTV.
After about 10 minutes of sobbing for his corrupt and perverted ways, Mr Zhang began to think, "perhaps no one was outside maybe they'd all gone off somewhere". He swallowed a shot of Baijiu and eyed the red stamp...
George Chairman
Joined: Feb 23, 2006
Posts: 77
Status: Offline
Posted:
Sep 15, 2009 - 02:45 PM
Quote:
here's nine people out their and they must have heard that" He sat down beside the body and weeped loudly.
After spending a large part of my day being red stamped to death, I truly hope there's a black market for stamps and red ink! It would serve the Chinese government right!
Those phone numbers scrawled on bus shelters, walls, lamp posts and pavements are for the fake "fapiao".
If say for an example a job does not offer you airfare unless you actually go home. Well, you call a guy and get your fake air ticket, boarding pass and invoice and your job gives you the money.
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 16, 2009 - 08:31 AM
Mr. Zhang Ying Chao projectile vomited over the table. What with the stress he was under and the sudden ingestion of baijiu his stomach was calling it a day. He lit a smoke. The familiar smell of a Jinan taxi wafted through the office (cigarette smoke, garlic, vomit and baijiu) as Mr. Zhang wiped vomit off the red stamp and ink pad.
He forged Mr. Sun's name on the 48 release documents and stamped each page in the required space with Mr. Sun's official stamp.
He decided he'd better put Mr. Sun back in his office chair. Mr. Sun's swivel chair fell forward and Mr. Sun's head hit the table and vomit with a wet thud. Mr. Zhang pushed him back in his chair. Vomit dripped from the peaceful Mr.Sun's face.
There was no tissues in the office so Mr. Zhang tried to wipe it off with some photocopy paper. Photocopy paper is not very absorbent on vomit, so Mr. Zhang just managed to smear it further around Mr Sun's face. The sight of it and the smell made Mr. Zhang vomit again, but this time into the waste paper basket beside the desk.
Half an hour later, Mr. Zhang took a deep breath and walked out of the office. He was shocked to see 9 heads pop up over their cubicle walls. Worker Wang got up and walked over to Mr. Zhang.
Mr. Zhang tried to look calm but succeeded in doing a good mimic of a slapped panda. He decided he'd better confess and handed the forged paperwork to Wang.
Bu hao yisi, bu hao yisi, wo...wo. "Ah yes, thank you", said Worker Wang. "I just need to put my stamp on form number 27 and number 8, okay.. come here, I need you to put your fingerprint on these seventeen pages. Mr Zhang complied, doing his best not to pass out from the heart attack he believed he was having. "Haole", said worker Wang. "Take the stairs to the rear of the building and give these to Mr. Hu. "Huh?", said Mr. Zhang. "Floor 1, room 132. He'll take you to your delivery."
In room 132, Mr. Hu asked Mr Zhang to sign twenty seven forms and put his thumb print on eight of them. Mr Hu enquired about the box and its contents and Mr Zhang gave him a red envelope containing one thousand fake renminbi. Mr Hu quickly looked inside his envelope and decided that Mr Zhang was a very nice fellow indeed.
Mr. Hu and Mr. Zhang then took Mr. Zhang's motor trike to the holding area. A life's ambition was about to be fulfilled. The capybara "eeped".
Mr. Zhang, tears of joy in his eyes, got off the motor trike and touched the aluminum crate like it was the holiest of holiest artifacts.
"How you going to fit that huge crate on the back of your motortrike?" said Hu.
"I have a plan", beamed Mr. Zhang, and plan he had...
shanghied Chairman
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Posts: 59
Posted:
Sep 21, 2009 - 11:06 PM
(Writers note)
Things have been hectic these past few days and so I've been unable to continue Mr. Zhang's epic adventure.
It's only a temporary lapse.
Please watch this space...
Jinan LIVE includes but is not limited to information for Jinan Expats and tourists, information on where to teach in Jinan, Jinan nightlife, Jinan clubs & bars, careers & travel in Jinan as well as support for both the local & expat communities. If you'd like to be a part of this site, sign up today! Check our Terms of Service Agreement for rules regarding posting on JinanLive.com. For Advertising opportunities, see the Advertising Page.
Welcome Guest
Login:
Forum FAQ
Search
Usergroups
Preferences
Watched Topics
Watched Forums
